


Try To Get Some Sleep

by phan_tomhive18



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Anxiety, Disease, Illness, Insomnia, M/M, MCD, Major character death - Freeform, Panic Attack, Phan - Freeform, Phandom - Freeform, Phanfiction
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-25
Updated: 2017-01-25
Packaged: 2018-09-19 19:40:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,802
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9457694
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/phan_tomhive18/pseuds/phan_tomhive18
Summary: "I don't want to die," was all it read in shaky handwriting. My throat tightened."I don't want you to die, either. But let's make the most of it, yeah?"Dan nodded so slightly that if you weren't looking for it, you wouldn't catch it.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Hey just wanted to thank you for reading this and feel free to leave a comment as this is my first work on here :)  
> Warning: Panic Attacks, Major Character Death, Upset Characters, Disease  
> And things of that nature.

"Phil? Can we go to bed, please?" Dan's voice had almost a whiny tone to it. "I haven't been able to sleep well, lately." He was right. I looked at his dark brown eyes and saw purple underneath them. They looked like harsh bruises.  
"Sure! We can upload the video tomorrow and I'll help you work on filming yours, yeah?" I kept my tone even and enthusiastic even though I was rather sleepy as well.  
Dan nodded sluggishly and went to my room. I followed in after a few moments of organizing a few files on my laptop, and crawled under my brightly colored duvet.  
"Goodnight, Phil," he said with half-closed eyes and quickly pecked me on the lips.  
"Night."  
-  
I woke up at an ungodly hour to the rustling of sheets. Dan was getting out of bed. I rubbed my eyes lazily and fumbled for my glasses on the nightstand.  
"Dan?" I called out into the darkness. I heard a soft sigh in return.  
"Didn't mean to wake 'ou," he said, his words slow and slurred. "Ouldn't sleep again." I heard a yawn escape him.  
"You want some tea? That helps me sometimes," I offered, already getting out of bed. I was really troubled about Dan's wellbeing. He's had trouble sleeping before, but this seemed different.  
"Sure. I'll try sleeping again afterward." He led the way to the kitchen, and that's when I started to notice something was off.  
I made the tea and handed him the Hello Kitty mug that he was fond of, when his arm started to twitch. Some tea fell out of the mug onto the floor, and Dan muttered an apology. "'Orry, I dunno what's wrong with my muscles lately. Been all o'er the place," he explained, and set down the mug. I grabbed a cloth to start cleaning the floor.  
"Dan, do you want to see a doctor?" Whatever Dan was experiencing did not seem like the average 'I'm having trouble sleeping' scenario.  
"'Aybe. Can we schedule an appointment?" He seemed more alert now that I mentioned a doctor. Appointments were definitely not his favorite thing to attend.  
"I'll see if I can tomorrow. For now just try to get some rest, okay? I'll be in after you," I said calmly, and finished cleaning the floor. I kept telling myself everything was going to be okay, but somewhere deep down I felt the twinge of unsettlement settling over me like a dark cloud. I felt like it was going to start storming, soon, but I didn't let myself think that.  
-  
Scheduling an appointment was easier than expected, and Dan was due for one tomorrow morning at ten o'clock.  
"You'll be fine, Dan, don't worry about it," I assured him, but I wasn't even sure myself. "You might just have insomnia." He barely moved his head to make a nod in response, but I understood why he was nervous. "How about we get this video out, yeah?"  
We double checked to make sure additional editing wasn't needed, and Dan eventually clicked upload.  
"Ready to film mine?" He suddenly asked, which was the most he had said to me all morning.  
"Yeah, let's do it!" 

Later in the day we decided to lounge around on the couch. We both had our laptops just scrolling around different types of social media and interacting with fans. It was one of my favorite things to do, and I'm sure Dan liked it, too.  
The silence was oddly comforting until it was broken.  
"I feel stiff."  
I looked up from Twitter, and I felt my eyebrows furrow in confusion. Dan's face held a frown and be generally just looked uncomfortable. He shifted his body.  
"I-uh, what do you mean?"  
"I just feel stiff. Like, I can't move, but I can."  
"I guess I understand," I said, even though I didn't-not really. "I would tell the doctor about that tomorrow."  
He nodded, and went back to whatever he was doing before. This was becoming stranger by the minute.  
-  
"Dan! We are going to be late!"  
"I'm coming, I'm coming!"  
I glanced at my phone clock. It was already a quarter until ten and we still had to catch a taxi.  
A few moments later, a sleep deprived Dan came rushing down the stairs to the door. I opened the door and we rushed down the rest of the stairs and I managed to call a taxi.  
Once inside, I silently scolded Dan.  
"We could've been late, you know. We are already cutting it close!"  
"Well, sorry that I couldn't sleep last night, either!" He whisper-yelled at me.  
I didn't say anything else for the remainder of the trip. Guilt was creeping its way to my heart.  
-  
"Daniel Howell?" A kind looking lady stood in the back near the door, beckoning for Dan. We both stood up in silence and walked over.  
"Can he come with?" Dan asked the lady, who's name tag read 'Karen'. Karen nodded with a smile and ushered us in.  
"Okay, Daniel, just step on this scale."  
Karen did all of the necessities of the appointment, and then led us to the room.  
"Okay, just have a seat in here and the doctor will be right with you," she explained, and then shut the door on her way out.  
"Nice lady," I said, trying to strike up any conversation, whether it be interesting or not.  
"Yeah," was all I got in return. Awhile later, Dan looked straight into my eye and said, "Sorry that I'm...distant. I am just nervous and I'm not sure why."  
I nodded in understanding. "You'll be fine, Dan."

After several minutes of staring at the bland white walls of the room and striking up small talk with worrying thoughts, the doctor entered the room and shut the door.  
"Hello, Daniel, I'm Doctor Jake, but you can just call me Jake. I'm not one for formalities," he said, his smile flashing pearly white teeth. His tone was light-hearted and jovial, and I wondered if he kept it that way when he had to break bad news to a hopeful patient. After he pulled up a few things on his computer which I couldn't see, he started to ask Dan questions.  
"So, Daniel, why are you in here today?"  
"I'm having trouble sleeping, I occasionally have muscle twitches, and sometimes stiffness. If I do fall asleep, I wake up very easily."  
Jake typed a few things into the computer and then asked more questions. "Are you allergic to any medicine?"  
"No."  
"What are your usual sleeping patterns?"  
"It depends, but usually I go to bed late at night and wake up later in the day. Lately though, I can barely get sleep."  
"Any habits before you go to bed?"  
"Just normal habits. Brush teeth, change into sleepwear."  
"Do you take any drugs? Any other substances like tobacco?"  
"No."

Jake asked similar questions to this, and every time Dan answered he would type something else and his face seemed like it would get more grim, but maybe I was hallucinating. 

"Okay, Daniel. I'll be right back." The doctor left silently, clipboard in hand. Dan looked solemn. The unsettlement deep down in me started to grow, and all I could think about were negatives.  
A few moments later, the doctor walked back in. His face was like stone, which was the exact opposite of what it was earlier. What happened to the bright smile? I could hear my heartbeat in my ears, swelling in big loud ba-bumps. My stomach filled with a flurry of migrating monarch butterflies, and I felt like I was going to be sick. This isn't good, I thought to myself. I was panicking before I even knew the diagnosis.  
"Daniel, you have symptoms of insomnia, but you are also showing traits of an extremely rare prion disease called Fatal Familial Insomnia, also known as FFI. Muscle twitching, stiffness, and lack of sleep all fall under this disease. This disease is genetic, so one of your parents must carry the gene and it was passed onto you. Do you understand?"  
Fatal, fatal, fatal, fatal, fatal. The word repeated in my head as if it was a ticking time bomb ready to blow up.  
Dan nodded, and his eyes were glazed over. My heart sunk and so did my posture. I slumped over in worry.  
"We may perform a painless test called polysomnography to see if this diagnosis is accurate, if that is okay with you?" 

Dan asked the elephant in the room, completely ignoring the former question.  
"Is it really fatal?"

The silence was louder than if someone spoke. 

The doctor swallowed thickly. I could hear it from a mile away. "Yes." Ba-bump.  
I heard Dan take in a sharp breath. His Adam's apple bobbed up and then down. He was going to cry, and if he did I would, too.  
"I-Is there a cure?"  
There was a pause once more, and the flurry of beautiful butterflies were now long gone. They were replaced by wicked thorns, which were stabbing me over and over. I preferred the butterflies.  
"I'm deeply sorry, but no, there-there isn't a known cure. I'm so sorry-"  
Dan raised his hand to indicate for him to stop speaking. "I'm going to be sick."  
Jake quickly grabbed the bin and handed it to Dan, and he threw up. His fingers were shaking and when I looked down at my own hands, so were mine. I started to wonder how this could happen, this rare disease, to the one I love. I'm surprised I didn't get sick, as well.  
My question was answered. Jake didn't have the same jovial voice when breaking bad news. Earlier, I thought I wouldn't find out the answer for myself, but here I am. I gripped the armrests of the chair, trying to steady myself-to stop the shivers throughout my body. An icy chill ran through my blood and a nasty thought planted a seed in my mind.  
Dan was going to die.

After several moments of awkward silence, Jake started to explain what was going to happen.  
"We can do the test, but if you don't think it's necessary-"  
"No. It's fine," Dan said, cutting him off. His voice felt choked out and forced. My pulse grew louder. 

"-the estimated time can be anywhere from seven months to little over a year. Sleep will eventually become nearly impossible. Results of this are hallucinations, massive weight loss, sweating, phobia, tiredness, panic attacks,and eventually inability to do simple tasks," he droned on and on and I quickly grabbed the bin which sat a bit in front of me and did what Dan did earlier.  
When I looked back up at Dan once I was done, he was like a ghost.  
"It was happen slowly overtime. I'm still very sorry-"  
"Save it," Dan snapped, catching me off guard. I saw stray tears that escaped his eyes. "I just want to go home. I'm going to die, dammit!" He started to laugh but also cry harder. His frown turned into a smile. "I'm going to die! I don't want tested. I don't care about this, anymore. I just want go-" he stopped laughing suddenly, and he started to scream and cry and mutter about how he has so much to do and, "I don't want to die," things were becoming overwhelming. Jake was trying to calm Dan down and then I was wiping off my face and my fingertips came back wet. 

Maybe it was just a bad dream.  
-  
It wasn't.

We eventually made it back home. It was the same old flat, but the atmosphere became twisted with dread, sadness, anxiety, and everything on the spectrum that made you want to rip your hair out. If I was feeling like this, I could hardly imagine what he was feeling as he stood silently in the middle of the lounge. I couldn't tell if he was glancing at our nerdy stuff or not. Was he thinking of memories because eventually he wouldn't be able to make anymore? My throat tightened.  
"Dan?" I was almost afraid to break the silence.  
"Phil."  
"Are-" I cut myself off.  
"Am I okay?" He turned around to look at me, his stare full of emotions I couldn't begin to explain. "No, I'm not. We were going to do so many things, Phil. What about getting a house together? Getting-" he paused for a moment, and I could tell he was trying to keep it together, "getting married, Phil?"  
"And what about the fans? YouTube? My family? My friends? They don't even know-they-they-don't even know yet."  
I couldn't think of anything to say that would be comforting. What do you say to a person who's life is going to end?  
-  
Time seemed to move faster after that day, and that's when I realized the world wasn't on our side. One night, I woke up to Dan having a panic attack. He was screaming and crying and yelling about how there was something in the doorway, even though there wasn't anything. He was drenched in sweat, and his face was pained. I felt my heart shatter as I tried to calm him down. His eyes had a far away look in them. 

"Phil," Dan said, grabbing my attention. "We need to tell the fans."  
I was quite shocked, honestly. I wasn't expecting him to tell them only a week afterward. Just three nights ago we called his parents.  
Dan was sweating again, and his complexion was sickly pale. He was already starting to lose weight, and it's only been a week.  
"Let's get something to eat first." I ordered pizza and we ate in silence, just trying to savor the moment.

Instead of sending out an ironic, sarcastic tweet, Dan made a serious video about it.  
"Hello, Internet. The video title is probably going to be something along the lines of, 'You Think You Can't Sleep?', but maybe I'm not ready to make that joke yet. Here's the lay down. I have a fatal disease that's there is no cure for, currently. So, I just-" I watched him take in a sharp breath, and then, "Edit that out."  
I had a feeling there would be a lot of jump cuts in this particular video. I could feel the frown naturally form on my face at the thought. 

A few days later the video was posted, and Dan got an overwhelming amount of support. Somehow, that just made everything a lot sadder than it already was. So many people were going to miss him. There would be no more 'Dan and Phil'. There would just be 'AmazingPhil', and at that moment, I didn't feel particularly amazing at all. Was I really anything without Dan? Yes, but also no. Almost four million people are subscribed to me, but in the end do numbers really matter?  
-  
"Do you think I made an impact, Phil?"  
I looked over at him from where we were watching an anime.  
"Of course, Dan. You've impacted a lot of people's lives in a good way, including mine. I'd say you have," I said, and leaned in to kiss him. He kissed me back, but we didn't continue.  
"I'm sorry, I just-I-," he got choked up, and then the tears came. I started to cry too, and mucus was running everywhere and it was messy, but I didn't care.  
"I-It's okay," I said after a few moments, and sat on the couch with the television still on, but we weren't listening to it anymore.  
-  
I never thought I would have to watch the most important person in my life slowly deteriorate. Things were just getting worse, since it's been three months now. Dan can barely get any sleep at all, and I didn't know how he was holding on. Most days he would try take a nap or lie in his room with no covers, because he would end up sweating too much. He constantly drank water so he wouldn't get dehydrated, and the hallucinations just kept coming which came with panic attacks. How he had the will to live anymore, I didn't know. All I know is that everyday that I see him I realize that this is real, and soon he would be gone. It was too much to cope with, personally.  
Why doesn't everyone get an equal chance at life?  
-  
"I wanna do 'omething," he said while we were eating dinner. His voice was weak, and his eyes were half closed from exhaustion. I felt tired just looking at him. I felt the air rush out of my lungs. It's been five months.  
"What would that be?" I responded, rather curious.  
"Wanna make 'nother video, like, last video."  
"Oh, okay. We can do that tomorrow."  
"Wanna be engaged. 'Arried."  
"Me too, Dan. Maybe we can work something out, okay? Just try to get some sleep."  
He shook his head softly, and laughed a broken laugh. "Can't."  
I cried as soon as the words slipped from his mouth.  
-  
We eventually did get married. We didn't do an extravagant wedding, we just signed the paperwork and told our friends and family about it. That's all Dan wanted, and I was happy with it, too.  
Dan did make a last video. He needed a lot of help with it though, because he even had trouble speaking sometimes, which was one of the hardest things for me to watch him go through. I was in the last video with him, and I would pitch in every once in awhile if he couldn't finish what he wanted to say. We made a great team, like we always did. The video was just saying farewell and it was a huge thank you, plus it was like a recap of everything Dan has done since he started YouTube. I thought it was a perfect last video, but I wish he didn't even have to make one.  
We would check back in with the hospital every once in awhile, even though they couldn't really do anything. They kind of just tracked his progress, even though it wasn't progress. Quite the opposite, really.  
-  
Supposedly, Dan would slip into a never ending comatose after losing a lot of brain function. A different doctor at the hospital estimated Dan had until the seventh month to live.  
It was six months in.  
-  
"'here 'm I?" I heard a scared, childlike voice that made my heart shatter into a million pieces.  
"We are home, Dan," I said. Occasionally Dan would get confused, and eventually it would click with him once I helped him. I felt my eyes start to water.  
"'here's 'hat?"  
A loud sob rang through the room, and the sob could only belong to me. I looked into his eyes, and all I could see was the fear.  
-  
Six and a half months in, Dan lost the ability to speak. His blood pressure would become elevated quite a lot, and his pulse would race. He was nearly skin and bones now.  
He would still write to me. His shaking left hand would hold a pencil and he would write down what he wanted or what he was thinking.  
I read the piece of paper he handed me.  
"I don't want to die," was all it read in shaky handwriting. My throat tightened.  
"I don't want you to die, either. But let's make the most of it, yeah?"  
Dan nodded so slightly that if you weren't looking for it, you wouldn't catch it. I pulled him in close for a hug. 

His parents would call very often. I would speak to them for Dan, for Dan would write down what he wanted to say. They told me on the phone that they were going to come stay until Dan's passing. I felt the thorns again, and they were only growing faster.  
Friends would call, too. They would ask how Dan was doing and how I'm holding up, and it was always the same answer. "I'm doing okay. You?"  
I didn't want Dan to be worried about me, even though I was terrified.  
-  
Seven months in, Dan couldn't walk anymore. I wanted to check him in at the hospital but he refused as he wrote, "Home," in big, bold, shaky letters. I nodded in understanding, and kissed him on the forehead.  
His parents and mine came over the next day, when Dan lost the ability to use his hands, and so did our friends. We talked about several things and just laughed and had a good time.  
I hoped deep down that was what Dan wanted, but I was assured it was when I saw the joy in Dan's dark brown eyes. For once, I wasn't scared.  
-  
Dan's death was expected, but it still came like a flash of lightning. Quickly there, and then gone. He slipped into a coma the next morning, and I cried as I tried to shake him awake, somewhere inside me still hoping this was just a dream.  
Everyone who was there the day before came over today, and we all cried and sobbed, but we also comforted each other. I realized that even though Dan was gone, I wasn't alone. A part of my mind was still telling me it wouldn't be the same, and I knew that.  
It would never be the same, but I knew over time that I would be okay. Maybe not now, but someday.  
-  
-after the funeral

Dear Phil,  
I'm writing this before I lose my ability to speak, because I know I will soon. I'm going to leave this where I know you'll look after I'm gone. My bedside drawer. I keep a lot of photos in there, and I know you'll want to look over them and cry like in a bittersweet romantic movie. I would do the same thing, though. Listen. I just want to say that I love you, a lot, okay? And I'm glad I got to be married to you the last few months of my life. I'm glad you were in my life. We have shared so many memories and done so many things and I don't think I could've asked for anything more.  
Just, take care of yourself, okay? I know I'm going to be gone but stay strong-and when you think of me think of all the good things, not the bad. Thanks for spending so many years with me.  
-Dan

I folded the letter up again silently as I looked at the photos sprawled out on his bed. I chuckled softly.  
"You knew me so well, didn't you?"  
I put the photos back in the drawer, tucked the letter in my pocket, switched off the lights, and walked out the door with tear stained cheeks and the faint trace of a smile on my face.

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry I didn't write a funeral scene, I just feel like funeral scenes kill the sudden mood of the death but maybe that's just me? Hope you enjoyed :)  
> My tumblr in case you wanna check it out:  
> @plausiblephan


End file.
